Thank You Very Sweet

The days following my epiphany about Kesner and his high blood pressure medication were a series of emotional highs and lows.  I had lots to celebrate,  my path was being lined by a series of miracles: First my tution balance was mysteriously reduced to zero; then I received a small grant from my department, then a research job working on an evaluation for the Attorney General’s Office.

There were some administrative delays in processing my school funding, however;  so in the beginning of the semester my friends and family helped me fill in the gaps with dinners and gas cards and a few extra dollars here and there.

Another reason to celebrate was that  I was becoming re-engaged in the battle for social justice.  In my classes I was learning about many of the horror stories of mass incarceration, and about the ways that young girls navigate danger in poor communities, and about the theories about crime and disorder that shape our crime policies.  Day by day, as I delved deeper into my work, my passion for change began to return to me.

But I still missed Kesner desperately and that awful counselor that I was going to  in New Jersey wasn’t helping at all. 

As Kesner’s brithday apporached, September 23rd, I knew that I needed to do something to ritualize the occassion.  This was his first birthday since his death in June and ,assuming the worst, I decided to arrange to take the day off from school.   On that morning, however, I was surprisingly happy so I went to school anyway  – I wore the blouse that I wore on our Good Friday date and I spent the day reminiscing about how wonderful our sweet romance was.

The next day was awful, however.  A complete crap storm. I was bombarded by emotion and unable to leave the couch – go figure.

Grief is like a wave

And by the third day of Kesner’s birthday, Saturday, I decided to finally go out and do some ritualizing.  I went to Lambertville where we had our ten-hour date and I sat and had an ice cream cone on our rock.  Then I went to the cemetary and I looked for Kesner’s grave.  I walked around for 2 hours but I couldnt find it.  I figured that meant something, but I had no idea what.

Then I got an email from Talithea:  “TJ and I are going to come pick you up and take you to a county fair.” 

Talithea and TJ

Talithea and her seven year old son, TJ, picked me up and took me to the Italian Festival.   We ate, rode rides, played games and laughed.  It occurred to me that the reason that I couldn’t find Kesner in the cemetary is because he wanted me to know that his spirit was at the fair ground.  Kesner was there amongst the living, not the dead.  Talithea’s son TJ was wearing a white T-shirt and fatigue shorts that day, the same outfit that Kesner was wearing on the last day that I saw him alive.

The following day I sat at home and watched a Law and Order sinful clergy marathon on TV.   I was feeling fine and reflective until  a commercial for the movie Ghost came on.  They flashed the scene at the end of the film where Patrick Swayze has done his work on earth and he is being swept up into the sky with the angels, to leave Demi Moore forever…

I lost it!  Was there an expiration date to having your ghost around???!!   I had just gotten used to the idea of Kesner’s ghost being with me and the thought of me possibly having to say goodbye to his ghost one day sent me through the roof!!!!

I began a rant with God.  About everything!!  I was sad, broke and angry!!  Why cant this just be easy!? I was living in a mansion for free, and I did have a verbal commitment for PhD funding, but in that moment my cell phone service had just been cut off, I was hurting, and I was screaming (aka speaking in a reasonably toned angry voice):

HELP ME GOD!

God led me to my car and I went for a drive.  My Tracy Chapman CD was in the player (her first album), and suddenly the song “Baby Can I hold Tonight” came on.

I had two epiphanies: 1 – this was me and God’s song.  At first I was singing it to God, and then God sang it right back to me.  The second epiphany was that I needed to start writing about this experience.  And I was going to share it.

In that moment I heard a voice so clear telling me:   KIM, IT’S TIME TO WRITE..  

I had asked the Universe weeks earlier and, in the depth of my valley, the Universe was finally responding:  the time was now and the venue was the internet…

The very next day I signed on to Facebook and I wrote the first chapter of Thank You Very Sweet:  “Grief Sucks.”

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2012