Thank You Very Sweet

So as I mentioned, I was detained by the police for 7 hours.  The first few hours were at Kesner’s house.  Talithea, Felicia and I sat in his living room while detectives swarmed the house.  They even had the guy that comes with the camera to take pictures of the crime scene.  I was not allowed back upstairs but I was not allowed to leave either.  I was interviewed several times by different people about the chain of events.  It felt like ground-hog day; I had to re-live the whole thing over and over.After several hours passed the representative from the coroner’s office arrived to remove Kesner’s body from the house.  They were going to bring him down the stairs and they suggested that I go outside so that I didn’t have to experience that up close.  I walked onto the porch where many had gathered by this time. They were mostly Kesner’s fraternity brothers and they let me know that they had reached Kesner’s brother and that he and his mother were on their way.

After they removed Kesner from the house we all left and I had to go to the police station to give an official statement.  Felicia and Talithea came with me.  My mother was calling for updates every 20 minutes and my friends were beginning to rally.

I have incredible friends.

I didn’t really know what to expect in a situation like this, nothing like this had ever happened to me.  I guess maybe I thought I would just go home to my apartment and go to bed – I hadn’t gotten that far in my thinking.  But my incredible friends knew the power of the ministry of presence. They were rallying. Dropping everything to come to New Jersey and be with me.

My friend Courtney, who lives in Ohio, got on the phone with the crew:  Klay.  Monet.  Jessie.  Andrea. and they were all on their way.  Klay and Monet were driving in from New York.  Andrea was on the train from New York.  Jessie was driving from Maryland.  (Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this)

My friends were coming to be with me.

While the crew was making their way to New Jersey, Talithea, Felicia and I were STILL at the police station. I was telling the story over and over again to the detectives, and by this time I was absolutely exhausted.  When we were finally wrapping up – around 11PM – I received word that Kesner’s mother had arrived in town and she was on her way to the police station.  My heart jumped up to my throat. I wanted to see her but I was also afraid.  Would she blame me for this?

Would she blame me for not being there to save Kesner’s life?

After we’d been at the station for an hour, two of Kesner’s brothers and his mother arrived.  The detectives greeted them and spoke with them privately in a room. Then they called me back to join them. His mom spoke to me softly  – in a pain filled whisper – she said: “Kim, what happened?  Did he eat? I tried to reach him but he didn’t call me back…”

I don’t remember what I said.  I only remember that the interaction was very short and very sad.  Soon it was time for us to go.  We were being ushered downstairs to the lobby of the police station.

I saw Monet first. in a bright yellow rain coat.  She came up to me and hugged me and whispered in my ear :”Jessie’s here.”  What a selfless thing to say, I thought.  She was there too.

Then I felt Klay come beside me, on my right, he slid his arm around my waste.  I felt so weak and tired, it was becoming hard to stand on my own.

Then Jessie, Soul Friend.  Jessie approached me and stood on my left side and put her arm around my waste also; the two of them together were holding me up.

There were many people in the lobby. And then suddenly through the crowd of voices I heard my name:

“KIM!”

It was Kesner’s mother, this time very loud and audible. piercingly strong, she said:

“KIM, WHERE IS HE?”

She spoke with such authority, confidence and strength that the entire waiting room became silent.

“Where is he?  Take me to him! Tell them to take me to him NOW!  I want to see him tonight!  He is NOT DEAD!!  He is sleeping.  I will tell him to get up!  I will tell him to get up just like LAZARUS! Take me to him now, I WANT TO SEE MY SON!”

We were standing face-to-face.  She was flanked on either side by two people who had traveled with her, just as I was flanked on either side by Jessie and Klay.

I just looked at her.  eyes glazed over.  weak.   I couldn’t speak. I had no words.

I was thinking to myself:

yes. Lazarus.  Why hadn’t I thought about Lazarus?  Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead in John chapter 11.  Why hadn’t I considered Lazarus?  Maybe if I had gone into the house with absolute faith and absolute confidence and said:” Kesner Get Up!”  Maybe he would have gotten up.  Maybe he would be alive right now and we would be together praising God and laughing about how crazy that whole thing was.  Why hadn’t I thought about Lazarus?

The Raising of Lazarus - John Chapter 11

I couldnt speak.  no words were coming out.  I just looked at her, blankly.  And that is when Monet stepped in so gracefully.

Monet stood face to face with Kesner’s mother, she looked her in the eyes and she said softly: “I am a minister.”  Kesner’s mother said to her: “Do you know the miracles of God?“…Monet said: “I know ALL of the miracles of God.”  His mom said “Do you know about Lazarus?  God raised Lazarus from the dead!”  Monet said “yes, I know about Lazarus.”  His mom said to Monet: “I want to see my son.”

Monet went to go check with the officers to see if they would allow her to see him that night.  Unfortunately it was too late and she would have to wait until the following morning.  She was disappointed but Monet reminded her: “Remember, Lazarus was dead for three days and God raised him. You can see him in the morning.”  His mother said: “yes, three days. I remember.  I will see him tomorrow and I will tell him to get up.”

And I thought to myself: yes. her faith is strong. stronger than mine.  she will see him tomorrow and she will tell him to get up… and he will get up.

We left the police station and we headed to Talithea’s house.  I had to stop back by Kesner’s because my car was still parked there and I wanted to go inside and take two things:  The tee-shirt and shorts that he had been wearing on the last day that we were together.  I had seen them on the bathroom floor and I wanted them because they still had his smell on them.  I would need to smell him in the days to come.

Klay came into Kesner’s house with me and by this time there were many people in his house, including his ex-girlfriend.  Before all of this, his house seemed like our private one-on-one space,  but now our space was filled with many people and personalities and commotion.

Kesner and I both valued privacy and our privacy was gone.

I wanted to get out of there. I quickly ran upstairs and grabbed the clothes.  But as Klay and I were preparing to leave, a random woman (random to me) said “Let’s Pray!” This was a woman that I had never seen before (I actually had never seen most of these people who were gathered in his house). I think she was from his church.  She wanted us all to stand in a circle and pray.  I didn’t feel like praying but I acquiesced.

She prayed one of those really long preachy prayers where your voice just gets louder and louder but you’re not really saying anything.  I wanted it to be over.  I lifted my head and opened my eyes and looked around this room of people who I didn’t know.  they were moaning and crying and shouting “YES LORD!”  I would have left but we were holding hands. I couldn’t wait for this long preachy prayer to be over!

when we finally said Amen, Klay and I split immediately and headed over to Talithea’s house around the corner.  When I walked through the door, there was my Andrea; she was the last to arrive that night.

We all sat around and looked at each other.  They each told the story of their escapades in getting there:  Monet and Klay were inches away from a very dramatic car accident – they did a complete 360 spin on the NJ Turnpike in the rain.  Andrea had done the Flo Jo/OJ Simpson run through Penn Station to make one of the last trains out of The City.  And Jessie had to speed rush a goodbye with her parents in Maryland to make it to NJ.  But they all made it.

My incredible friends were there.

Then the door bell rang – Adela, my sorority sister, was there with a box of donuts.  And shortly after, Kim, another soror, also arrived.  Everyone was pretty hungry so Talithea started pulling appetizers out of her freezer and preparing them for my friends – this was around the time that I stopped eating.  But it was really random she had so many appetizers: shrimp skewers, baby beef patties, mini pizza’s, pigs in blankets – so random! My friends had a good laugh about it.

Appetizers

I was present but I wasn’t.  I kept drifting away into the recesses of my mind, I was in slow motion but every once and a while I would join the conversation.  The day felt like it had been split in half, like it had been two separate days.  There was the good part of the day: at the conference, presenting on the panel, having discussions about PhD funding.

And then there was the awful part.

I was reflecting: I remembered driving by Kesner’s house that morning at 7:30AM and not going inside.  Had I gone inside I would have found his dead body then and I never would have made it to Rutgers that day.  It was like a force had prevented me from finding him until I had made some significant inroads into my future.

It was a pocket of Grace.

We sat around Talithea’s living room for an hour or two.  It was almost 1AM when we began to consider where we would all stretch out and sleep for the night.  Talithea had been generous to open her home and invite my friends and I to stay.

Then Jessie said: “Friend, I can go by the house and feed the cats for you if you like.”

The House –  I thought.

The Country House!

I had forgotten that in the midst of all this I was still house-sitting.  And at this magnificent House!  Why were we trying to figure out where we would sleep at Talithea’s when we could all stretch out very comfortably at The Country House?

And then it was decided.  We packed up our things, and in two carloads, my friends and I embarked on the 30 minute drive out to Hopewell, NJ.

We were headed to The Country House.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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When I arrived at Kesner’s on June 9th I left everything in the car and I ran into the house.  I just wanted to lay eyes on him.. to see that he was ok.. to see that I was over-reacting and that he was just in his basement painting.  or taking a nap upstairs.

So I entered the house through the open back door in the Kitchen and I called his name.  No answer.  I took off my shoes and I ran up the stairs and straight ahead of me, in an empty guest room with a single air mattress on the floor, was Kesner.

I stopped breathing for a minute:

NO! 

It was one of those gut wrenching, breathy, deep voice, from the pit of your heart, yelps:

NO!!!!! 

Immediately my mind knew exactly what I was seeing but my heart did not connect, it did not understand.  It was the strangest feeling in the world.  shock and horror.  The moment was terrifying yet beautiful all at the same time.  Scary yet intimate. I wanted to be close but far away.  I was afraid but I wasn’t.  I touched his hair and his neck and his shoulders.  He was cold and dark and solid as a rock.

NOOOOO!!!! I screamed.

Soon panic began to set in.  my mind was going a million miles a minute.  I was screaming and crying: What do I do?!?  All logical thinking had left me and I was becoming hysterical.  Then a voice, calm and deep, from a place far within me said :

Call 911. 

Yes!  Call 911, I have to call 911!! I raced around the house looking for a phone, any phone, his phone.  I found it but the battery was dead.  Of course it was dead! the calls had been going to voicemail all afternoon.  So I burst out of the back door (no shoes) ran to my car, grabbed my phone and called 911.  I was screaming into the phone “HELP ME!  HELP ME! He has diabetes, I think he is in a coma!” (my heart just couldn’t accept that he was gone).  The lady on the other end was asking me so many questions, trying to tell me how to do CPR.

“I CAN’T!” I screamed, “I CAN’T” just send someone over here, HELP ME!!!”  She told me that EMS was on the way and we hung up the phone.

Then more panic, shortness of breath, tears – lots and lots of tears.  What do I do now?

Then the voice came back, calm just like before:

Call Talithea.

Yes!  Call Talithea!  I have to call Talithea! I called her, no answer.

Then a text message from Talithea: “Hey Momma, I’m in a meeting, what’s up?”  I texted her one line: “Please Help Me”…  second text: “Kesner is Dead, I found him, I NEED YOU!”

She called back immediately: “Where are you?”…  “I’m at his house”… “I’m on my way!”

I had not fully rationalized why I needed Talithea in that moment and no one else; but today it all makes sense. Talithea is the ONLY person who could handle it.  Talithea is my line sister in Delta Sigma Theta and she is my friend.  She intrigued me from the first day that I met her.  We were at a karaoke bowling night.  Talithea had a serious face, such serious eyes; you could tell there was immense depth to her.

Our friendship fate was soon sealed over a passionate karaoke rendition of “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette.  Black girls don’t typically get down like that and I immediately appreciated our shared interest in alternative music!

As we continued to get to know each other I learned that she had experienced some unspeakable tragedies.  Her brother was murdered…  She found her cousin dead in his bed… Talithea had experienced incredible loss and immense pain. She had been to dark places.

Talithea

Today she is a force field of energy.  She has a passionate way of living that gives people permission to be free.  She once sent around a text and asked people for one word that describes her personality and my reply was “uncensored.”  I said this not only because she speaks her mind – she does speak her mind – but because she has an uncensored approach to living.  She is alive. And how she lives is her prerogative.  I think you kind of earn that right when you experience horrible things.  Trauma seems to jolt you out of a make-believe world of self-imposed restrictions and social control and awakens you to the reality of LIFE.  Life is so very precious.

So I’d called Talithea and she was on her way, thank God.  But I was still alone.  Terrified.  Frantic.  Panicked.  In shock.  What do I do now?!?  I went into the room with Kesner’s dead body, and I sat on the floor next to it and I started wailing.  I just sat there and hollered.  I needed to stay close to him.  This was the last time that we would be together alone.  I cried an aching pain-filled cry. and I screamed, and screamed. And then the voice came back, one more time.  Calm and deep just like before, it said:

Call your Mother.

Yes! “Call Mom” – I screamed into my phone.  “Mom, calling…,” my phone replied.   Answer: “Hey boo”  “MOM!”  I hollered.  “What?!” – panic voice.  “Kesner is dead!  I found him!”  She immediately started crying into the phone.  She was as hysterical as I was. “Where are you?” she said.  I told her.  Then the question: “Do you want to come home or do you want me to come there?”

Deep Calm Voice:

Tell her to come here.

“I want you to come here!” I cried.

Then I had to go. “The Paramedics are here, I hear the ambulance outside.” 

The paramedics came in and immediately announced him dead on arrival.  They were asking me questions and I couldn’t answer any of them. I was in so much pain.  They asked me for a bedroom sheet so that they could cover him.  I left him only for a moment and I found one, then I came back and sat right next to his dead body again.

I sat there, on the floor and I rocked back and forth and I cried.  The paramedics packed up their belongings. There was nothing they could do there.  The next wave of folks would be the police.  And the detectives.

As the paramedics were leaving Talithea was running in.  One man said : “Are you Talithea?”  She said “Yes”  He said “She needs you.”  Talithea ran into the house and up the stairs.  I had not prepared her for what she was about to see.

Me. sitting on the floor. rocking back and forth and crying next to Kesner’s dead body. 

Thankfully, she had made contact with another friend of ours, Felicia.  Talithea was able to keep her composure for me but she needed a friend too.  Talithea was there for me and Felicia was there for her.

When the detectives arrived, they told me I had to move.  Suddenly this had become a crime scene and I was a potential suspect.  This is where the irony of the tee-shirt comes in.  Remember I was wearing an orange Tee-shirt that said “Prevention is Cheaper than Incarceration,” but I was now being detained and questioned by the police.

I was detained for the next 7 hours. They let Talithea and Felicia stay with me (nobody else was allowed to come into the house and by this time many friends were beginning to gather outside on the porch).  My mother contacted the Mayor of Trenton, a friend of hers from college, and insisted that the Police treat me well.

Mayor Doug Palmer - Immediate Past Mayor of Trenton NJ and friend of my Mom

Talithea and Felicia were cracking jokes and flirting with the police officers.  I felt more calm having them there.  I needed them both and they didn’t have to stay… but they did.

This was how Love was beginning to carry me through…. 

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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On the afternoon of June 9th I was coming from a conference in Newark.  The Cornwal Center for Urban Policy Research hosted their annual conference on the Rutgers Newark Campus and this year’s topic was about women involved in the criminal justice system.  I was invited by a mentor to be a morning panelist to speak about my work at the women center.  It was all bitter sweet because we were being celebrated for our innovation, while at the same time I knew that we would soon be closing.  As a last attempt at protest, I sat on the panel with a bright orange tee shirt on (the color that women in New Jersey wear in the county jail). The Tee-shirt said “9-5 Beats 10-Life / Prevention is Cheaper than Incarceration.”  Later I sat at a table and sold those Tee-shirts to persons who were interested in the cause.

"9-5 Beats 10-Life"

The entire time that I was at the conference, I was wondering: “Where in the world is Kesner??”  My blackberry had not been working that week.  Kesner and I managed around this problem by communicating via email and spending time together in person.  We were together on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and part of Monday.  The last I had heard from him was on Monday evening.  He sent me an email that said “Thank You Very Sweet.”  This was in response to a bag of groceries that I left on his back porch on Monday after work.  He’d complained of a headache, so I went to the grocery store and bought some things he might like.  I also printed a picture that a friend had taken of us a few weeks earlier and I put it in a card that said: “Hope you feel Better-Love, Kim.”  I intentionally left it at his back door because I wanted him to receive it as a pleasant surprise.  I then went home that night to try on my new white gown that I was planning to wear to the Kappa Black and White Ball the following Saturday – people typically wear black to that event, I wanted to dazzle in white sparkles.

The following day- Tuesday- was pretty busy for me.  I woke up early to go feed the cats at the house where I was house-sitting, then I had coffee with a friend and then a worship planning meeting at my church.  I was leading worship planning that day (as I was scheduled to preach the following week), on the topic of the demon possessed man in Mark Chapter 5.

"The Demon Posessed Man" Mark 5:1

During the course of the worship planning meeting my fellow church members kept telling me how calm I seemed.  I seemed really peaceful to them that day.  I felt very peaceful too; very serene. I now believe that this was the exact time that Kesner was transitioning, but of course I didn’t know that then.

I left the meeting and went back to the house where I was house-sitting to check my email and feed the cats again. When I opened my inbox I saw the email that Kesner had sent on Monday night (Thank you Very Sweet), and I responded with: you’re welcome, how are you feeling?  I also emailed him some information about a reception at a local art museum that he’d said he would meet me at.  Then I packed up and headed to the reception.  He didn’t make it to the reception and I thought that was strange, but I didn’t have time to fully investigate –  I had a sorority executive meeting to go to..

busy busy.  

After the sorority meeting I went home to prepare for my big day at the Rutgers conference the next morning. But I couldn’t sleep that night.  Where in the world was Kesner??  Why hadn’t I heard from him?  I thought I would give my phone a try and, miraculously, after several days of not working it cut on!  I called him – no answer.  I sent an email – “is everything ok?”  By this time it was 1AM.

I got up and sat on my couch next to a bulletin board of affirmations.  I’d just been turned on to Louise Hay who professes that affirmations and positive thought can heal your life. I had a bunch of them on my wall on little sticky notes; affirmations for me and for many of the people that I love including Kesner.  His Affirmation said “Kesner is happy and healthy and choosing to enjoy the happiness of each day and the sweetness of each moment”   – this was the affirmation for diabetes.  I had also written the exact same one for his house, he kept it on his dining room table.

Louise Hay

As I was sitting on my couch, my cat Diva climbed into my lap and pulled the affirmation for Kesner off of the wall with her teeth.  She handed it to me.  She had never before messed with any of my affirmations (which were all written on post-it notes).  I thought that this was a sign. Diva was using her special animal intuition to tell me that Kesner was ok and that I should go back to bed. I put the affirmation back on the board and went to bed.

                             Diva. My Cat.

When I woke up in the morning that same sticky note was chewed up and on the floor in front of my bathroom door. I was worried, but I  had this big thing to do in presenting at this Rutgers conference.  I got up and went out to the house where I was house-sitting to feed the cats.  Then I went by the women center to pick up the 50 lb box of orange protest tee-shirts.  Then I drove by Kesner’s house.  I drove by the back and saw that his back door was wide open and his garbage was on the curb.  I thought to myself – phew!  he’s ok!  he just took his garbage out, im over-reacting! 

At that point it was 7:30AM and the panel began at 9AM. I had an hour commute to Newark in rush hour traffic so I opted not to go in and instead to head to Newark.  I would see him when I got back…

And so there I was that afternoon:  the panel discussion went well, there were positive talks about the potential of funding for my degree, and the tee-shirt was selling.  But I still hadn’t heard from Kesner. I called his phone and by this time the calls were going straight to voice-mail.  I decided to pack up early and head home.  Something was wrong.

The drive from Newark seemed endless.  I was breaking the speed limit laws.  All the while I was playing a Kool and The Gang CD in the car.  On the ride there I enjoyed listening to classics like “She’s Fresh,” “Jungle Boogie” and “Celebration.”   But on the way home the song “Cherish” came on and I had a visceral reaction and took the CD out immediately.  The radio would have to do.

When I pulled up at his house the door was still wide open, exactly as it had been in the morning before I left.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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On May 27th, two weeks before Kesner died, I went on a silent retreat to a monastery with my soul friend, Jessie.  She had coined that term “soul friend” a few years earlier to describe the type of friendship that meets you in your soul space.  A friendship that is non-judgmental, pure and kind, patient and loving.

Jess was my first friend in Seminary and one of the first people in my life to teach me the lesson of unconditional love and how to listen.  We had gone through several journey’s together:  seminary, relationships and break-ups, living in the same building in Trenton, working together with formerly incarcerated women in Trenton, and even a little public activism.

Me and Jessie at our graduation from Princeton Theological Seminary

On this day in May we were ritualizing a transition into a new beginning.  After five years of living so close, Jessie was leaving to move to upstate NewYork to start a new life with her boyfriend Jason. She was also planning to pursue her calling to be a hospital chaplain.  I was happy for her but I was very sad for me.  Sad to be loosing my day-to-day buddy, with whom I could process life with on a regular basis.  I had many awkward random crying moments the week before she left: at work… at Jack’s Wine Sense… at Walmart… on my couch while Kesner was resting his head on my lap – his eyes were closed and one of my tears literally splashed on his forehead – he opened his eyes and looked at me like i was nuts.   I was grieving my friend and our closeness.

Kesner worked really hard to try to understand what this impending separation meant to me.   At Jessie’s goodbye dinner he shared meaningful reflections about the noticeable impact of our friendship and the regard in which he held it.  He even opened his home and allowed me to host a small dinner for Jessie  and her twin sister there. He was such a nice guy.

This transition was also hard because while Jess seemed to have things figured out, there were a lot of unknowns in my life.  We had lost funding for the women center and I was not going to have a job after June 30th.  At that time I didn’t know where I would live or how I would pay for what seemed to be the inevitable choice, going back to school in the fall.

The silent retreat was her spiritual director’s idea.  The monastery was beautiful and lush.  The Nuns there prayed for us all day long.   The only times that we were allowed to talk were at the beginning of the day, at the end of the day, and during a private meeting with her spiritual director that took place at some point during the course of the day.

When I sat down with her spiritual director I immediately started crying.  This was all so overwhelming to me.  She asked me about my life and I was really confused about next steps.  The only thing that felt good was Kesner.  She noticed that when I started talking about him my eyes lit up and a bright smile came to my face.

Kesner was my stable.  My solid in the midst of so many changes.

After I laid all of my uncertainty out on the table, she was silent for a moment while she squeezed a small cross in her hands and closed her eyes really tightly, then she said: ” What Im hearing from God is that you need to ask the question – How is LOVE going to carry you through to the next season?”

My narrow conception of love was only thinking about romantic love.  yes love! Of Course, I thought.  Kesner’s love will carry me through! everything will be ok. deep sigh.   … little did I know that the ways that love would carry me through would be far more profound than that…

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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A word about grief…  it really sucks.  but today is not so bad. My counselor in Cleveland, Monica – who is pretty awesome (I know this only after going to a really bad counselor in NJ who kept asking me the same questions over and over again)  – said that grief  is like being caught in a wave.  There are calm parts of the wave – those times when you think you are ok –  and then just when things begin to smooth over a bit, you get jolted and completely flip upside down again.  it takes you under. deep. And you cant see anything but darkness.

Grief is like a wave

And the thing about people is that you pretty much are always ok when you are talking to them. otherwise you wouldn’t be talking to them.  so everyone thinks you’re ok. they check in…  ask: how are you doing?  you ok? 

“yes, im ok.”

but a lot of the time you aren’t … and you want to scream:

NO! Im not F-ing ok, would you be ok?!? 

But that would not be polite.  or very Christian. I say to myself: After all, Kim, these are the questions that you would be asking  if the shoe were not on your foot.  everybody wants their friend to be ok…

I was in a really dark place on sunday night.  sitting alone watching the Law & Order SVU sinful clergy marathon, drinking wine and screaming at God.  well maybe not screaming – I live with a nice retired couple who probably wouldn’t appreciate me screaming at God in their basement.  But I was definitely angry and sad and saying over and over HELP ME..HELP ME!   Help me what, you ask? well I figure if you go through something as horrible as finding the person you love dead in their house you shouldn’t have to go through anything else.  things should be easy.  but they are not easy. Im in the desert.  I’m broke for one.  A broke grad student.  at 30.  is this my life?  I just spent the last two years working harder than I should have for a small disorganized faith-based non profit who opted out of paying unemployment benefits on behalf of their staff.  so no unemployment for me. I am a PhD fellow at rutgers university but my fellowship sure is taking a long time to hit my chase account. urghh!

I do live in a mansion for free, which is consistent with the paradox that is my life – but in that moment on Sunday my cell phone service had just been cut off and I was screaming (aka speaking in a reasonably toned angry voice):

HELP ME GOD!

God led me to my car and I went for a drive.  My Tracy Chapman CD was in the player (her first album), and suddenly the song “Baby Can I hold you Tonight” came on.  I had two epiphanies: 1 – this was me and God’s song.  At first I was singing it to God, and then God sang it right back to me.  The second epiphany is that I am going to start writing about this experience.  And I am going to share it.

Me and God and Kesner’s spirit went home and I felt helped.  the wave calmed down just in time for Keeping up with the Kardashians.  I went to sleep after that.  Tomorrow would be another day and I could keep going..

For now

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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