I had some friends over on Sunday afternoon and a topic of conversation that came up was ‘turning on the light’ in our metaphorical closets. When I decided to turn on the light in my closet, I found something old in there that needed to be dealt with.
I have had an eating disorder since I was 15 years old.
I have not had a healthy relationship with food.
I am recovering from Bulimia.
I was living without symptoms at the age of 37, yoga helped with that. But then I got a call from an old friend from childhood. She’d called to tell me that we’d lost a friend to a traumatic brain injury, a high functioning star of a woman. I’d already lost 5 other peers to untimely death, including my boyfriend Kesner. And after my first visit to see my old friend in ICU, I left the hospital and immediately went to a burger shack and binged. I couldn’t help myself, binging was the only way that I knew how to control my emotions. Later, I purged.
About a week later I went to a baby shower where I sat down with a fierce and beautiful soul, Kristen Brunello. I knew Kristen through yoga, she’d recovered from an eating disorder and she’d been vocal about it in the yoga community. I told her what was going on with me and she referred me to a therapist in New Jersey who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This therapist would help me learn to eat.
She also helped me understand binge behavior. I could binge on anything – food, shopping, TV, alcohol.. It wasn’t the substance, as much as it was me trying to stuff something down and not feel. Binging had become my coping mechanism and I needed to learn new behaviors. I am still learning.
I write this today because it is eating disorder recovery week. I am speaking in my power as I write this, there is nothing to feel bad about. I want to help other people and this is my way. This is my platform.
I am a Black woman who is in eating disorder recovery. Yes – we have eating disorders in our community too. Let’s turn on the lights. Maybe you didn’t ever have a name for it but you stuff yourself with food in order to self sooth. Or maybe you shop, watch TV, smoke marijuana, binge drink..
Lets turn on the lights.
This is Kristen Brunello. She is the woman who helped me and she continues to. Today she is allowing me to teach my streaming yoga class on Sundays in her studio – The Yoga Ground. I am learning that a little bit of softness and vulnerability goes a long way. Turn on the light. Allow yourself to break and be rebuilt.
