Archive for the ‘Chapter 23’ Category

So this was all beginning to feel like one big build up.  It had been 8 days since I found Kesner dead and each day leading up to the funeral  was filled with some sort of meaningful thing.  Thursday was no different; this was the day of the tree planting ceremony.  Kesner’s brother had delivered ‘Hope’ (our apple tree) to Pete and Mara’s Country House.  We had also decided that we would build a ceremony around the replanting of Hope, this was a way that my church could be involved.

My church members all love me very much and I love them; they wanted to know what they could do, and this was it.  I knew that they would put together a beautiful ceremony and they did.  I only had two requests:  that Psalm 1 be included in the program and that Laura sing and play her guitar;

I would sing “Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior.”

That song had been in my head all week, and now I wanted to sing it.  Initially I thought I might volunteer to sing it at the funeral, but mom and Kim didn’t think that was a good idea; so I would sing it at the tree planting ceremony instead.  Angie, another dear church friend, labored over putting the service together and she delivered the sermon.  and Mara arranged all of the onsite details.

The ceremony was in the late afternoon, so in the morning mom and I chose to occupy our time by getting massages.  A year prior I joined a massage club with the intent to get a massage once per month.  I had fallen behind a bit and ended up accumulating 4 massages on my account; this would be the perfect treat for my mom.  I used my credits and treated my mom to a two hour massage and I got one also.  After that we stopped at Whole Foods and got a new orchid for Mara; Klay had stripped the other one of its petals when he drew me a bubble bath the week prior…   And with the new orchid in toe, we were off to replant Hope.

in Hopewell.

In the car on the way to Mara’s mom got a call from her office.  Her office, so moved by what had happened, pulled their resources to buy me a star.  They registered a star with the star registry people and named the star Kesner Dufresne I almost had to pull over, I immediately started to cry.  What a beautiful thought, now I had a star….  and I was about to plant a tree.  Kesner would be with me, by day and by night – how beautiful.

When we arrived at Mara’s, I put on dark glasses and joined my fellow church members who were already gathered there. I didn’t want them to see my eyes, to see how different I looked; that new facial expression that I had.  I joined them at a small table on the fabulous country house patio and we had iced tea and nuts until it was time for the ceremony to begin.

Hope was placed in a perfect spot in Mara’s yard. There were several wooden chairs placed around her for the ceremony.  She looked so small in the sprawling green yard, but she was safe; my heart was content.  We gathered around her and I opened the ceremony by singing “Pass me not, o gentle savior.” Then we had prayer, some Scriptures, and then Angie gave her sermon.

It was so beautiful, Angie’s sermon; she talked about death being a change of frequency.  I liked the thought of thinking about Kesner as a different frequency; not completely gone.  still present, just a different kind of energy now;  I liked that.

Then Laura sang.  “Amazing Grace” and ‘The Serenity Prayer.’  and then I read the lyrics to me and Kesner’s song:  “Beautiful, Wonderful,” by Anthony Hamilton.  Kesner told me that was his song for me, and it made so much sense now.  I wondered what he was thinking about when he listened to those lyrics:

“If I erased all my footprints, could you find out where i went and meet me by the old fence for the day…. a love like ours was meant to be, a sudden change in frequency, beautiful you are to me…”

Wow.  It made perfect sense.  Not only had Kesner left me with amazing memories, and pictures; but I had a tree, a star and a song.

Most moving to me during the service was Andy, another church friend.  That day he sat in the circle around Hope and he wept.  He didn’t have to say a thing, his tears meant so much to me.

It was all really beautiful.  At the close of the service we each took turns picking up the small shovel that Mara had placed by the tree and we each scooped a small pile of dirt around Hope’s roots.  We were replanting Hope. Hope would be safe here.

Me, replanting Hope…

in Hopewell.

On the way back to Qiyana’s, mom and I stopped to get some Chinese food when she got a text from Kesner’s brother: “family viewing of the body tomorrow at 5:30,”  and with that, a plan for friday was set.  We were finally inching towards the funeral.

That night before bed, I went for a walk alone around Qiyana’s complex.  I deviated from the walking trail and found a spot in the grass by a lake.  I sat in the grass and watched the fireflies put on a show in the dark trees, it was beautiful.  Then I looked up and I saw the brightest star in the sky, that was Kesner’s star.  The star registry people did send me a map so that I could find Kesner’s star, but i didn’t need it.  The brightest star in th sky would always be Kesner’s star to me.

Kesner’s Star

I was not alone.  Kesner was with me.  I had two green angel silly bands on my wrist to prove it, Kesner was with me.

Tomorrow would be an interesting day.  I would have to go to the funeral home and see his body…  again.  And we were preparing to welcome people to town who were coming for the funeral on Saturday.  It would be an interesting few days, but I would be ok.  Kesner was with me, by day and by night.


“Beautiful Wonderful” Lyrics by Anthony Hamilton – Me and Kesner’s song

If we walk this way
If we changed our pace
Will love remain the same… Forever?
If I erased all my footprints
Could you find out where I went?
And meet me by the old fence… for the day?

A love like ours was meant to be
A sudden change in frequency


We could sit by the pale moon
We could sing an old tune
Or I could tell you I love you
In different ways
I could ask you to marry me
Fall asleep and you’ll join me
We could dream for eternity and float away

A love like ours was meant to be
A sudden change in frequency
I welcome love with open arms

Beautiful – Beautiful, Oh Wonderful… Beautiful
Oh Beautiful – Oh Wonderful… oh Beautiful
You are to me
Oh Beautiful… Oh Wonderful… Oh Beautiful
You’re meant to be
You’re the air in my life girl, give me permission to breath
You’re the sight of my eyes girl, an Angel so heavenly
Take the walk of a lifetime… a chance to truly be free –
Let go

Oh Beautiful – Oh Wonderful… Oh Beautiful
You are to me
Oh Beautiful… Oh Wonderful… Oh Beautiful
You’re meant to be
Oh Beautiful… Oh Wonderful… Oh Beautiful
You are to me
Oh Wonderful… Oh Beautiful… Oh Wonderful
You’re meant to be
Wonderful… Beautiful


Reflections: Tree of Hope
Angie’s Sermon…


When we learned our pastor could not be with us this evening

I said “Yes” to the still quiet voice in my spirit

And offered to share my thoughts…..

It just seemed a way for me to comfort Kim,

who has become very dear to us at Montgomery Ministries

But promising to share was easy

Finding the thoughts and words was more difficult

After praying and pondering,

my thoughts and emotions were still racing around and back and forth

Questions raised to God …. And questions to myself,

Conflicting emotions of anger, love, sadness….confusion

And thank God….

Still grounded in Hope and Faith….

On Tuesday this week, I met with a small group of women that Kim is a part of

We have named this group: “In His Steps”

We pray, examine scripture and respond to questions

that help us discover a deeper part of ourselves

and we share with each other

We invite God to help us grow and become stronger in our faith

And more peaceful in our hearts and lives…

This Tuesday,

We decided to forgo the usual format

And just spend some time in quiet contemplation,

Quieting ourselves and centering

I had much difficulty closing out the thoughts about Kim who was not with us this Tuesday

Thoughts of Kim and Kesner and their Tree of HOPE kept coming back to me

And so I just accepted the thoughts and the thought pictures

That slowly flashed into my mind’s vision

Like a power point presentation…..

This is what came with the silent sliding of these pictures into my mind’s vision


I saw the tree….

Young and eager to grow

I saw Kim and Kesner standing close together holding hands

And the Sun shining down on them

I saw their joy in their being together and the Hope flowing through them

And I saw the Hope embodied in the sap flowing through the young tree

The sap of Hope flowing from its roots to the tips of its branches

With their dreams and hopes for the future

I began to have an appreciation for this tree that had already been uprooted

Transported and transplanted from the tree nursery to this new site in Kesner’s backyard

This young tree carefully chosen and replanted, standing bravely in its nice wide hole

Nourished by enriched soil and well watered with a carefully dug little trench all around it.

Then the next picture came too quickly

darkened with heavy clouds moving in

A rush of wind coming closer through the nearby trees

The rumble of thunder and a flash of Lightning

And torrents of rain fell upon the scene….

Drenching all three…..Kim, Kesner and the Tree of Hope

Soaking them in its downpour of rain tears

After a time

The picture slowly faded out

and a new one gracefully slid into view….

I saw the warm sun quietly emerging from the clouds

Yet the rain continued and this time in gentle steady droplets

So gentle….. so in slow motion… so fragile…

It seemed like a wet veil,

with the sun glimmering through the tiny wet rain tears

A kind of quiet peace that invites one to just be within it

Allowing the rain to completely drench your clothes and skin and spirit

The next picture emerging gently in my mind:

Was a glimmering, VIBRATING rainbow of unimaginable hues and colors

These SHIMMERING glowing multi dimensional rainbow of colors

Moving in an out in its arched Rainbow of Hope

And along with the vibrating tremoring colors

Came a subtle fragrance of fresh rain and spring blossoms

And then

A soothing cheerful chorus: the chirping of little birds

As they began to shake off their wet feathers

And with many songs yet in heavenly harmony

Began to embrace the fresh new moments after the storm….

And then …..

the little chime on Gina’s watch brought me back to reality

Sitting in my chair,

hearing the cars and loud noises of the trucks on Rt 206 just outside our windows.

Shocked somewhat to be back in the reality of distracting traffic noise

And back to our people world of our everyday reality.

Yet I sat there in awe

still contemplating the pictures that had come

And I was grateful for the sense of peace that still lingered…

Thoughts: Hope …. Transplanting…..Transformation

I am hoping that this contemplation will remain as a part of

The Memories of this gathering

As we remember Kesner…. each of us in our own way

I am hoping that

We will also REMEMBER the HOPE

which God has placed in each of our hearts

This young tree has already been transplanted twice

Perhaps even three, possibly from a potted plant container

To a neat little row in the safety of the nursery

Then chosen by Kesner and Kim for its special spot in Kesner’s yard

And now to this beautiful site in Hopewell….

This tree does embrace its name of HOPE given to it by Kim and Kesner

This tree in spite of its uprootings will….like HOPE…

PERSEVERE …..spread out its young roots and ground itself firmly here

This tree will reach out its young branches towards the LIGHT

This tree of HOPE

will grow inch by inch with little leaves coming in the Spring

And tiny little blossoms budding into little balls of green in late Spring and Summer

And then into little apples slowing turning in color and in uniqueness of taste

This tree like its name HOPE

will grow and bear fruit and the first of these is Faith

We are all like this tree….

If we are rooted in the Hope and Faith in our Lord Jesus Christ

No matter how many storms and how many transplantings….

We will continue to grow in Hope and Faith and bear the fruit of God’s Purpose

Kesner like this tree named HOPE

is now in a New Transplanting and has a “New Frequency”

I see him in my soul spirit….

experiencing a joy and peace I can not even imagine….

and I believe that Kesner is NOW rejoicing in all the ways a spirit being can have joy…

I see Kesner in the Abundant Great Orchards of God’s Beloved Children

I see Kesner in his “New Frequency” with vibrant wholeness and peace and joy

And we are left, ….

We are left here in the life of NOW….

In our earthly realities…… filled with sadness and questions

Yet, we too

We too ….are in a new transplanting here in our earthly environment

We are grieving yes,

Yes, we are sad

Sad for Kim’s loss and for the loss of Kesner

Even though we had only met Kesner once

We at Montgomery Ministries felt we were coming to know him

Through Kim’s wonderful joy she shared as they discovered each other.

We learned that some Sunday mornings they read scripture and prayed together

What a blessing to pray with a dearly beloved one….

We learned they talked for hours and hours on the phone

And when they were together…

Because Kim so generously shared her joy

We shared her joy

And now we share her sorrow…..

And we sadly wonder why this has come to be….

Yet, even in this great sadness

We live…….secure in knowing that we are not alone

“I will not forsake you…”

“Lo I am with you always”….

We are left here to continue to grow and be nourished

We are purposed to be here still in this life we were born to

Yet there is a difference….


Now…… we are in…. a new transplanting of Life

A transplanting WITHOUT the earthly presence of Kesner….

May we find comfort in the words of the prophet Isaiah

ISAIAH 40:28-31

“Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the Everlasting God

The Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired and weary

And his understanding no one can fathom

He gives strength to the weary

And He increases the power of the weak

Even youths grow tired and weary

And young men stumble and fall;

But those who HOPE in the Lord

Will renew their strength;

They soar on wings like eagles;

They run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

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