One Sunday after church, Talithea and I had brunch in New Hope Pennsylvania; a cute little town on the Deleware River. After brunch we walked past a shop that said “Readings by Edith,” Talithea said she wanted to go in and get a $15.00 palm reading.
We prayed first.
I wanted to be sure not to make an idol out of this. I prayed that God would close our ears and hearts to things we weren’t meant to hear; that he would protect us from ourselves.
The man who did the reading (Edith’s grandson, Robert) introduced himself and asked for Talithea’s first name and her birthday; then he proceeded to read her palm as if it were a book. He read her very well. How did he know so many things about my friend? I was impressed. I decided to get my palm read also.
Robert told me that I had a very old soul and that it probably wasn’t coming back after this lifetime. He told me that the theme of my soul is justice. He said that I am a very spiritual person, but that I am concerned with everything in the world right now (he said that twice). And he told me that I would have two great loves.
We left that afternoon, keeping all that we heard in perspective. It was just an experience; an interesting one. But I went home and I thought to myself:
Two great loves, huh?
That thought remained with me through my relationship with Kesner. He was my first, my first great love. But I didn’t know what to make of the fact that I had been told that I would have two. I tried not to think about it often. but when I did, I wondered if my second great love would be something else. Maybe a hobby, a child or a dog. Nothing was going to happen to Kesner, right?
Recently, and in the time since Kesner has been dead, friends in New York have been encouraging me to see a particular tarot card reader in Brooklyn. I’m afraid. I dont want to know anymore. I have been told that if I decide to go I should have questions for her. About career, finances, stuff like that. But I don’t really care that much about those things anymore. Im sure my career will be fine and my finances too. If I were to ask a question, I suppose it would be about love.
Will I be mature enough to love and be loved for the rest of my life?
A friend told me once that Kesner died on a pedestal. That we weren’t together long enough for me to see his bad sides. That I will forever have a glamorized view of who he was etched in my heart. Kesner loved me incredibly. He loved me like somebody who knows they are dying. He seized every moment and made it special. He was patient and forgiving and kind and thoughtful and romantic. His love was pure.
While he was living, I was not concerned over whether or not he would change. My concern was about me. Could I stand to be loved like that for the rest of my life? Could I accept it? Not doubt it? Not question it? Ever? Would I always be the kind of wonderful that he thought I was? Did he see more in me than I saw in myself?
It was not him on the pedestal. It was me. Could I stand it?
I had to be broken to receive love. And I was finally broken. When Kesner died I felt like someone took a club and knocked my knees out from under me. I felt like somebody took a shovel and dug hole in my chest. My heart was missing. I was on the ground. I had nothing to give. All I could do was receive LOVE.
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And back at the country house, just two days after Kesner died, LOVE was all around….
When my mom and I returned from our lunch in downtown Hopewell, LOVE was waiting for us in the driveway. Talithea was sitting in the driveway and she had Qiyana and TJ in the car. TJ is Talithea’s six year old son. I didn’t realize it until I saw him, but children are wonderful at a time like that. They help to keep you in the present moment. My mom wanted to go to the grocery store, so she and Talithea went to the local market while Qiyana, TJ and I sat outside on the patio in the afternoon sun. And for a few moments, I stepped outside of my personal hell; because TJ was there.
The afternoon passed quickly after that. I don’t remember many details. TJ’s dad came to get him. Mom and Talithea returned and Felicia came by. I remember that they brought me a newspaper. Kesner was on the front page. “Candidate Dead at 35,” the headline read.
This was the article that we forwarded to friends and family.
Before we knew it, it was evening and Klay and Gayle had arrived from New York. Klay entered wearing a seersucker jacket, a white v-neck tee, fitted seersucker bermuda shorts and matching flip flops. He was carrying an Hermes weekender. We all commented on how great he looked:
“It’s just basic” he said. We laughed.
Klay..
Gayle was there also. Glitter Pop. She was wearing a rhinestone studded Tee shirt and blue jeans, and she was bejeweled in diamonds and sapphires. “Just Basic,” she said. We laughed again. Talithea and Felicia had gone to pick up Gayle and Klay from the train station. And while they were out, they picked up one more surprise visitor.
Hussain.
Hussain came in wearing a red Kappa Alpha Psi Jacket and blue jeans. That’s all I saw. The red. The jacket. Kappa Alpha Psi. Kesner might as well have walked in the room.
Hussain is Kesner’s fraternity brother and dear friend. He said that he needed to see me. He sat next to me on the couch in the living room and he put his arm around me and I rested my head on those greek letters. Kappa Alpha Psi.
Hussain reiterated that they had been missing me around Kesner’s house. They were wondering where I was. He said that Kesner’s ex-girlfriend had been doing… a lot. And that the fraternity brothers wanted to see me. He tried to get me to come to the Kappa Black and White Ball, it was happening the following evening. I didn’t want to go. So we decided that my mom would go in my stead, just for a few minutes; to give my regards to the Kappas.
So that night, all of us: Gayle and Klay, Hussain, Mom, Talithea and Felicia, and I sat around the candle lit living room of the country house. We had a nice time. We looked at Pictures of Kesner on line. One of them had logged on to their facebook page and we looked on line at all of the tributes to him. Different people expressing their feelings about him. All sorts of pictures. It was pleasant.
Before Hussain left he told me one other thing.
“We found all of this medicine in his house. A bunch of insulin shots in his fridge. And a lot of high blood pressure medication that he wasn’t taking. I don’t think Kesner was taking care of himself….”
No!
I shut that idea down immediately.
“There’s no way. I saw him take his shots.”
They don’t know what they’re talking about; I resolved. There was just no way. Kesner would never have allowed this to happen intentionally…
There was just no way.
© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011
Thank You Very Sweet 