Thank You Very Sweet

It was morning of the second day – early in the morning, it was still dark.  I guess maybe it was 3AM or 4; honestly I had no concept of time even though I was staring at a clock.  It didn’t matter what time it was, Kesner was dead.  Nothing mattered.

I was laying in the king-sized bed in the master bedroom of the country house.  Soul Friend was laying next to me, still asleep.  I, however, was wide awake.  I had slept for maybe 45 minutes or an hour- but that was it.  My body was turned away from her and I was facing a wall.  And a window.  Tears were streaming down the side of my face and onto my pillow. It was a silent lonely cry in the dark.

I was looking out of the dark window, waiting for the sun to rise.  It reminded me of the trip that Kesner and I took to the Poconos:

It was right after the election.  Unfortunately Kesner placed 4th in the election (he never said that he lost. he didn’t lose. he was not a “loser.” he placed 4th).  He needed to get away for a couple of days.  He needed to leave Trenton and he used me as his excuse.  He sent a text to our friend Terrill and said:

“Headed out of town, I need to get Kim out of here for a few days…” 

It was an amazing trip.  We went horseback riding.  He canoed me for 6 miles down the Delaware River. I sang him a song as he paddled.  I complimented him on how strong he was to canoe us so far – 6 miles.  He told me: 

“You were my inspiration, Beautiful…”  

While on the canoe ride, we stopped along the way to have lunch and so that Kesner could carve our initials on a tree.  And as we sat and rested, I heard him say (under his breath):

Imagine a woman who loves the outdoors.” 

I do love the outdoors.

Kesner and Me in The Poconos

And while I was laying in bed at The Country House, looking out of that dark window, I thought about how thankful I was that I got up with him that morning.  That would be the last sunrise that we would experience together.  I had all these sunrises ahead of me now but I was going to have to go it alone. that sucked so much.

Laying there in the dark, crying, I was also still thinking about that whole Lazarus thing.  holding out a little hope for the miracle. For the miracle of Kesner being raised from the dead.  I even thought that maybe I would go with them to the morgue.  Maybe I would meet his mom there.  Maybe she and I would go in together?  The two people who wanted him to be alive the most – I mean everyone wanted him to be alive – but I think we wanted him to be alive the most.  Maybe the two of us could go in and our faith combined would make him get up.  We would have to be absolutely confident.  I pondered that for a while.  But I wasn’t confident enough.

my faith wasn’t strong enough.  I would mess it up.

Kim… you’re losing your mind – I thought.

When the sun finally did come up (this time it was about 6AM, I guess) I finally decided to get out of bed.  Everyone was still sleep.  I took Kesner’s Tee-shirt (I had laid with it all night and was now carrying it around with me like a child carries a blanket) and I went downstairs into the den and sat on an over-sized stuffed grey chair.  I would sit there, without getting up once (not even to use the bathroom), for the next eight hours or so.

Klay heard me.

Klay, Monet and Andrea were sleeping in the second bedroom.  Molly’s room.  Andrea and Monet were in the bed and Klay slept in the chair.  As I walked down the stairs I guess he heard me.  soon after I settled in the chair, I saw Klay standing in the doorway.  We were silent together for what seemed like a really long time.

Klay. 

By now you may be asking yourself why I chose this particular name for this note.  It is because Fabulous became Flesh and He dwells among us….  His name is Klay Williams.   WE behold the Glory of the Father of Fabulous!

Klay is fabulous in the flesh!  

Klay is fabulous!  let me say it again: FA-BU-LOUS!  I’ve never met anyone like Klay, and I count it such a privilege to be his friend. He is the type of person that leaves an impression on everyone that he meets.  everyone.  people who have had only one encounter with Klay still ask about him.  He’s always dressed to kill. He’s camera friendly.  He’s fierce. He’s confident.  and he’s always in the right place at the right time.  he also appreciates luxury and the finer things in life.

Klay believes in living your best life NOW.  He believes that there is only Plan A; any alternative is unacceptable. He is the Author of There is Only Plan A.

Klay is a lifestyle consultant and spiritual teacher.

If you know me then you know that I am always spouting little tid-bits of wisdom that I pick up along the way.  One of the Wisdom sound bites that I took from my Spelman days is: Perception is Reality.  Basically it means that whatever you think you are, you are.  Whoever you think you are, you are.  Our thoughts manifest.  For instance, if I say that my PhD program is stressful, it will be stressful.  But if I say that it is an absolute joy, easy as can be, it will be.  Our thoughts manifest.

Well Klay personifies this.  this is how he lives.  He speaks those things that are not as though they are. He knows the secret.  For instance, last night Klay sent me a text message.  One simple line:  “Kim, I miss Oprah.”  I wrote back: “I miss her too, been meaning to call..”  Keep speaking it.  Keep thinking it.  until it happens.

Oprah, we miss you…

If you don’t know him already, soon Klay will be on your radar; he is going to be a very famous man.

Klay is also a steward of friendship.  A bridge.  Klay and I have a routine.  I have a friend.  I introduce him to my friend.  And soon he becomes better friends with my friend than I ever was. classic Klay.

So you see, Klay is fabulous personified! 

But there was nothing fabulous about that moment in the den.  I was not fabulous at all.  I was sitting in that chair with that same orange Tee-shirt on and a pair of black sweat pants.  I cried and cried and cried and Klay just sat with me.  He kept my tissues fresh.  kept throwing away the old ones and bringing me new ones.  We were not speaking, this was all happening in silence.  He just sat with me while I cried.

At one point he went into the kitchen to make me a cup of tea.  He also found some Mandarin oranges in the pantry and poured them in a bowl for me to eat.  no oranges.  I didn’t want any food.  I didn’t want to eat anything.  I was just as fine to sit and starve and rot to death in my own filth.  I was miserable.  I did drink the tea though, which I regretted because it made me have to pee.  I didn’t want to pee.  I didn’t want to move, so I held it for about 5 or 6 hours.

At some point my friends woke up and joined us one by one.  first Jessie, then Andrea, then Monet (Monet is always the last one to get up).  They all sat around me in the room.  I wasn’t saying much, but my phone was beginning to ring off the hook.  Klay handled the calls: “Kim’s phone, this is Klay speaking…”  I could have cared less about my phone.  My mother had given up on trying to reach me on my phone and was now calling my friends directly.  She was on her way; she would be there that afternoon.

And then we got a call.  from my pastor, Lynn.  She was coming over to pay me a visit.

When Lynn arrived, she sat on the ottoman of the chair that I was still sitting on.  She faced me and said a few things.  I really don’t remember what she said but I appreciated that she was there.  I also appreciated the fact that she was showing emotion; it felt like she was sharing the pain of this experience with me.  tears were welling up in her eyes as she talked to me.

“It’s not fair” she said.

I looked at her, tired.  desperate.  and I said “I cannot do another thing.  I just can’t do another thing.”   And I meant it. I couldn’t do another thing, not even go to the bathroom.

Lynn said: “you don’t have to do anything.  You don’t have to do anything right now.” 

She said some other stuff, and then shortly after that she got ready to go.  She marked off a few scriptures in a Bible and left it for me, just in case I felt like reading the Bible.  I didn’t.  I didn’t touch it.  I wanted nothing to do with the Bible.

And then right before she left she said: “How are you feeling about God?”  

I had not given that much thought.  How WAS I feeling about God? 

“Im Angry”  I whispered.  Then she said:” Well God is BIG enough to handle  your anger. To absorb it, to take it all in. God is BIG enough for that.”  Then she left.

And I thought to myself: God is big enough, huh?  

Well God better be BIG enough, because I AM PISSED!!!!!!!!

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011