Thank You Very Sweet

The friday after I returned from Camp Dudley, my father got married…

In the days leading up to the wedding, I continued with my healthy grief recovery work. I had my second session with my counselor, Monica, that week.  This time we talked about the ‘what ifs’:

“If only I had been there to save Kesner”

“Why didn’t I go inside when I left the groceries for him?”

“That wasn’t like me, we were always together…”

Monica turned the question around. She asked: “what if you had been there? Does that necessarily mean that he would be alive today?And if he did survive, couldn’t he have died sometime later when you weren’t around?”

I hadn’t considered these things. The circumstances were  not in my control. Monica had done it again, she’d gotten me to think differently. If I had been there, would I have known what to do? Outside of calling 911, would I have known if his sugar was too high or too low? Would I have known to give him an insulin shot? Or a candy bar? Or to put an aspirin under his tongue? And what if he had lived, would he still be the same?

I mulled over these things all week. I also continued working with Roberto at SportSpine; and on off days from the gym, I went to Horseshoe Lake and I read. I read a short chapter of  Eat Pray Love every day, and now I had two other books to read…

When I arrived home from Camp Dudley there was a package waiting for me at my mom’s. The package was from Susan Taylor and the letter inside said this:

“Dearest Kim,

If I had one wish that could be granted at this time, it would be for you to feel comforted. It would be for the pain to ease.

But grieving opens up the way of healing and understanding. Understanding and growth are the goals in life. So be where you are. Feel the depth of the loss. Its a mirror of the love in your heart. Cry, beat the pillow, holler if your spirit calls for that. In time- it takes time, dear Kim- the light will shine brightly again. That’s God’s promise.

Know that you are in my heart and prayers. I love you through your dear mother, a beloved soul, whom I love and admire so.

Kim, I’m here in any way you may need me.

Much Love, Susan”

"Much Love, Susan"

Enclosed in the package were two books: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron and All About Love, by Susan Taylor.

When a writer that you deeply admire sends you books, you should read them.  I immediately added these two to my summer reading; reading them interchangeably with Eat Pray Love on my afternoons in the park. They helped a lot.

……………………………………………………………………………….

It had been a healthy week and it was now time for a wedding. I was happy for my dad, but I thought he moved quickly. My brother, The Man, and I had just been introduced to his “friend” a few weeks prior when we were home for memorial day.

The following week he called and said “what did you think of my friend?” I told him I thought she was very nice. He said “good, because we’re getting married in July.”

I hadn’t had much time to process this. I got the news on June 7 and two days later I found Kesner dead.

Since I’d been home, I had only seen my father one time. He and his fiancé invited my brothers and I for dinner. I looked sad and my dad gave me a big hug and said “we’re going to make you feel better.” In response to that, his fiancé said “she will feel better when she wants to feel better.”

I agreed with her. She and I are like-minded in some ways; we both read Louise Hay and we both happened to be reading Eat Pray Love at that time. I knew that she was right; there was choice involved in my ‘feeling better.’ But there was another part of me that felt resentful about her comment and its timing.

During that evening I soon learned that there was no space for my sadness amidst their happiness. The subject soon changed to everything wedding, and my brothers and I were given assignments for the day of the ceremony. As we all sat on the back patio that night and talked about wedding stuff, I looked up and saw a star in the sky shining brighter than any other. It was Kesner’s star.

Kesner's Star

Kesner was with me.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

And now the wedding was upon us… My father and step-mother got married in a simple ceremony at a downtown courthouse. It was beautiful. The judge, a friend of the bride, decorated the courtroom and it was elegant. My father’s wife wore royal blue and she was stunning. And Dad was happy.

The reception lunch was awkward. In their rush to the altar they’d neglected to introduce the families. I’d urged my dad to organize a barbecue so that we could meet her adult children, but he hadn’t done it. This was painfully obvious at the reception lunch. We were a table of strangers; never properly introduced. It was odd.

During the lunch I got a call from my Links chapter member, Valerie. She had followed up with the managing editor at essence.com and she needed a copy of my bio and resume. This was exciting news, I would get something to her right away.

After the wedding and reception my brothers and I went to Amanda’s house.

Amanda

I had plans to paint my nails at Amanda’s after the wedding. When my brothers, Mike and Gary, heard this they invited themselves to come hang out. Our God Brother, JT, said that he wanted to come also. So we all went to Amanda’s; Amanda and I painted our nails while hanging out with Mike, Gary and JT.

Gary, me, Mike ("The Man"), and JT... we all hung out at Amanda's that afternoon

I think that moment was less about hanging out and more about needing a space to debrief and de-compress. Our father had just gotten married and we needed to talk about it. Amanda’s was a welcomed place to process…

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

Kesner and I couldn’t get enough of each other.

Once we’d entered into a committed relationship that was heading towards marriage, we were together every day. Suddenly this other person was becoming a big part of my life and I began factoring him into my daily decisions. I no longer wondered if I would see Kesner that day, but I wondered when I would see him. And where; would we meet at my place? or his? or go out? And what would we have for dinner?  We were planning on being a unit and we began to live that out in our relationship right away.

We’d gotten serious quickly, and It was time to bring a few of my friends into the fold.

Felicia and Talithea - it was time to tell them about me and Kes...

Nobody knew what was going on; my feelings for Kesner had changed so dramatically and quickly and I hadn’t told anyone yet.   When last my friends heard, I wasn’t interested. This had been what I’d reported a year earlier after Kesner took me to his church for the first time.

It was technically our first date: 

I met him in the vestibule before the service began. I wore a pink and black floral print dress with a belted waste. We sat in the back and enjoyed the service. The preaching was clear and sound; a traditional three point sermon. And I enjoyed the music. But our interaction was awkward, I thought.

After church we went to a diner for breakfast. There, Kesner looked at me sternly and asked questions like: “where do you see yourself in five years?”

“He’s so intense!” I told my friends. “Who asks that on a first date?”

“He just kept staring at me with this deep penetrating stare… he’s strange!”

I’d said this to Talithea and Felicia after the church date…

and now I had to eat my words.

I’d judged Kesner early and I was wrong. I had to let everyone know that Kesner was not strange, he was wonderful.

They received the news in the way that good friends do, and immediately included him in our community time. We started to have “family dinners” with Talithea and her husband, Felicia and her husband and Kesner and me.

“Is this the power table of the future?”- Kesner jokingly asked the first time the six of us sat down for dinner. I wasn’t sure if it was the power table, but it definitely felt like future. We were forming a community of couples and we would try to have dinner together at least once per week.

It definitely felt like future...

Community was important to us. Beyond our friend community, Kesner and I shared visions for community in general. It was a very political time in Trenton, with local elections right around the corner. It was hard to avoid conversations about Trenton’s political and social landscape, its possibilities, and the efforts needed to address issues of crime and poverty. Kesner and I would go to our Broad Street Diner and talk about these things; we dreamed together of ways to commit our efforts to the city.

Kesner engaged in Comunity Politics

We dreamed of starting a 501(c)3; The name would be Dufresne Community Partners. “You’ll be in charge of it,” he said. That made sense to me, since he would be focusing on the family business, “Dufresne Investment Management” (Kesner had left his job at Morgan Stanley months prior to begin to get his investment management firm up and running).

We disagreed about a few things, however. We disagreed about the focus of our non profit. I wanted to continue to provide services for woman and he wanted to focus on children. We also disagreed about whether Trenton should have a casino. He thought it would be good for the city, I thought it would be bad for the residents; particularly those who had issues with gambling.

These were only small disagreements though, shared over laughter and lunch. Mostly we just enjoyed the exercise of dreaming.

Together.

During one of our family dinners Felicia pulled out her son’s baby books. This started a dinner conversation about child birth, with Felicia and Talithea giving full accounts of their experiences. I wasn’t sure if they were trying to scare me away from this experience or give me something to look forward to. But mid-conversation, Kesner looked at me and said, jokingly: “so do you want to have my Baby, Girl?”

‘Yes’ was the only answer.

…with him I could do anything.

we began dreaming about that too.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

I first spoke publicly at a Links Convention in 2003 when my mom went out of office as Central Area Director. I wrote a speech that she now has framed in her bedroom called “watching”; it was about how I’d been watching and learning from her my whole life. The following year I was asked to give a “Linkspiration” at the national assembly.A Linkspiration is an inspirational few words, offered just before we enter into official business. And In Detroit, in my role as national chair of the Taking Care of Mind Body and Spirit Committee, I was asked to give Linkspirations during two of the Plenary meetings.

The only problem was that I didn’t have anything inspirational to say…

In years past I’d relied on creative energy. But this year I had no creative energy and Heaven forbid I actually say what was on my mind. I decided to turn to Oprah:

Several weeks prior, and before Kesner died, I’d purchased a sweet little book at the mall : “Words that Matter: A Little Book of Life Lessons.” The book is filled with short little quotes that are, according to Oprah, “every day truths to guide and inspire.” I chose two short and clever quotes from this book to offer as my Linkspirations, and they were received with rave reviews. My short little sound bites were a hit and they masked the fact that I wasn’t sure if I’d ever say anything original or creative again.

Would I ever be able to preach again?

I sat with these questions of fate and future while I was at the Links convention in Detroit. It was hard to find alone time there, but I managed to carve some out. I took long walks along the waterfront promenade in the mornings, and I went to the gym alone a few times. And then there was one afternoon during a plenary meeting when we were listening to a group make a program presentation about Haiti. It made me think of Kesner, Kesner was Haitian American ( he actually called himself AHA! – Afro-Haitian-American). Sitting in the meeting and listening to the presentation about Haiti was too much, I had to get away. I sent a text message to my chaperon, Glitter Pop: “I need to get out of here, I’m going for a walk.”

I walked down to the Detroit River Water Front and took a seat next to a homeless man who was taking a nap on a bench. There, in my kelly green Calvin Klein sun dress and dark sunglasses, I sat and thought about Kesner and the book I wanted to write, Thank You Very Sweet.  How would I do this? I wanted to write about Kesner, but I also wanted to write about my family and friends, how amazing they had been during those first days of grief. ‘Maybe this book could be one big thank you note to everyone. To my friends and family, and to Kesner…’ I thought.

Just then I heard the click-click of designer heels and I turned around to see Glitter Pop standing on a landing and waving at me in a pink St John knit. “Kimmy!! You can’t just walk around Detroit by yourself. I know you want to be with Kesner but you need to be safe! You’re gonna get me in trouble!!” That afternoon Glitter Pop and I played hookie. We took the Detroit downtown train around the city, we window shopped and we stopped at a restaurant for shrimp po boys and long island iced teas.

Later that night there was a reception in the suite. Somebody’s very nice, tall and handsome son was there from Chicago and several Links wanted to introduce me to him. Apparently there were several Links that thought this was a good idea, but it was way too soon. I sat for a few minutes alone with this very tall and handsome young man. He said that he couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a boyfriend. I told him: “I do have a boyfriend. He’s dead.”

Clearly that didn’t work out.

Even though I wasn’t ready to move on personally, I had begun to think about moving on professionally. I had a conversation with one of my chapter members, Valerie, one afternoon. She told me that she had been in contact with the managing editor of Essence.com. They were apparently looking for a writer for their religion and spirituality column. She thought it would be a good idea for me. Perfect, I thought. I would pursue this. I began to look forward to it.

I was also ready to entertain thoughts beyond grief. I had a really meaningful talk one morning with Alice Strong Simmons,who was the Central Area Vice Director at the time. She lost her brother forty years prior. “It was so long ago. How do you remember him now?” I asked. I was feeling very insecure about forgetting things about Kesner. “I created a memory book. And whenever I want to be with him, I just go and sit with my book.” A memory book. Brilliant, I thought. If I were to create a memory book for Kesner it would have to be absolutely perfect. I would spend the next few months keeping my eyes open for someone who could help me with this.

The climax of the convention was my mom’s win. The room erupted into applause after she gave her campaign speech and then again when she was elected 15th National President of theLinks Inc.

My mom (far left) and her newly elected executive team at the White Rose Banquet in Detroit

She was brilliant and I was so proud of her. She really was the right choice for our organization. It was all very exciting and it was hard not to get swept up.

On the final afternoon of the convention, my brother – The Man, came to town. He was there to see my mom get sworn into office and it was so good to see him. We stole away for a few moments and went for a walk. On our walk we saw two women dining outside. One woman was my chapter member and the other was a woman that I’d been making a point to snub for the past few months. I’d met her a year prior at a luncheon. She’d invited me to sit at her table then asked me to get up when she thought someone more interesting might want to sit there. The interesting person never showed up and I ended up being invited back to the table, but not without a chip on my shoulder.

I saw her a year later at the white coat ceremony at Howard Dental School when my brother, Gary, graduated. I decided not to speak. Then two weeks later I saw her again at an afternoon reception at the state capital in New Jersey. She made a grand entrance and seemed to know everyone in the room. I began to question whether my snub was really a good idea. Would I just keep seeing this woman? That night I remember coming home and talking with Kesner about her. I was feeling pretty self righteous and was looking for his support but all he said was: “I need you to always take the high road, for us.”

And now here was my opportunity to take the high road. I had to speak. She was sitting with my chapter member who I would never not speak to. It was all too much. As The Man and I  approached the table I broke out into hysterical tears and apologized for how rude I’d been. She and I  made amends and my brother just looked at me like I was nuts. In just a few moments I had gone from happy and talking to hysterical tears in the middle of the street. I felt a little nuts.

That night we celebrated again in the suite.

Celebrating in the suite that night..

At one point I cornered one of my mom’s chapter members who is a doctor. I told her about the vomit on the floor and the high blood pressure medication that Kesner wasn’t taking: “Sounds like he had a heart attack, right?” She suggested that I get the autopsy report, then later suggested to my mom that I get counseling. She was right. I was all over the place. Happy. Sad. Hysterical. I did need counseling.

When the convention was over I cried for 24 hours. The trigger was my menstrual cycle. It came on the last day and it only meant one thing: I wasn’t pregnant. I’d hoped that miraculously Kesner had impregnated me before death. It would be a baby boy and we would name him Kesner. Then me and his mom would move into Kesner’s house and raise the baby together. We would live there together forever and I would never date again. As I tried to explain myself to my mother, while fighting off fits of hysterical tears, there was one thing that became absolutely clear:

“Yes we definitely need to get you in counseling!”

My incredible mom…

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

The Links Incorporated is one of the largest and oldest volunteer service organizations of African American Women in the country. .

It was founded in Philadelphia in 1946 as a group of friends linked together in service to their communities. It has since grown to have a global attitude, providing impacting programming around the world. The membership is dynamic, and the conventions provide wonderful venues to gather, reconnect, learn and celebrate the outstanding work of the chapters. Conventions are where we conduct the official business of the organization..

And also where we have a simply fabulous time, Linking.

It did not take long to get into the flow. Our first days at the conference hotel, Monday and Tuesday, were chill days; but by Wednesday things picked up. This was the day of our Scott Hawkins graduation. After two years of retreats, webinars and case study assignments, our cohort was finally graduating. We were named the “loving cohort” and we had a sweet commencement over a lunch in the hotel sponsored by FeDex.

our lunheon sponsor

With all of the LOVE  flowing in our Scott Hawkins session, my only goal was to make it out without opening a flood gate of tears. The mission was almost complete when one of my Scott Hawkins sisters gave a tearful thank you to everyone who’d supported her when her mother passed months earlier: “..and just like everyone was there for me, we are here for you too Link Kimberley..“.

Open flood gates.

I had to get out of there. Once the tears started they were difficult to stop.  The hotel was like a maze, but Monique and I made it back to Home Base and my childhood friend, Maya, joined us for a visit. Maya is a member of the Richmond VA Chapter and she is a writer, editor, and wife of famed college basketball coach, Shaka Smart.

Shaka and Maya

Maya asked me about Kesner and it was a comfort to talk about him to her. I told her that I was interested in writing a book. She thought that was a good idea and said that she would introduce me to a friend who’d recently been published…

Just then, Glitter Pop surprised us and popped into the room with a high pitched:

“Heeeey Kimmmy!!”

Mom had asked Gayle (Glitter Pop) to stay in the room with me and be my chaperon for the week; this was because I’d developed the tendency of wandering off to be alone with Kesner and nature. Glitter Pop was happy to do it and I was happy to see her. ……………………………………………..That night we went to a welcome party at the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History. It was there that I saw my God Mother, Marcella. Marcella is a philanthropist from DC and she is a beautiful person. We’d met and developed a spirit connection on a trip to South Africa in 2007. I’d been wanting to see her and talk to her. We stole away to a corner of the room and talked. She wanted to know everything about Kesner and I told her.

“What did he call you, Kim?” She asked.

“He called me Brown Eyes and Beautiful and PYT and Phenomenal Woman, and Sweetheart, and Babe, and Darlin’ and Wisdom…”

“You’re so blessed Kim. Most people don’t get to experience love like that. Dancing in the park?..”

The convention would continue to be filled with memorable moments; I was overwhelmed with support and love. Everybody knew. I couldn’t walk through the lobby without Link Sisters stopping me to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. So many women had experienced tragedy in their young lives and they wanted to tell me about it, to encourage me. They wanted to tell me that there is light at the end of dark tunnels. One woman’s husband and new born baby were killed in a crash, another lost her husband just ten months after they were married.

They were so beautiful. So strong. so resilient.

And then I shared a special moment one night with my aunt Gretel. Ten years earlier her daughter and my God Sister died in a tragic car accident. I was a sophomore at Spelman at the time and it was horrible. Her name was Heather and I loved her with my whole heart.  Sitting alone on the couch with Aunt Gretel, I asked her if she thought that Heather ever came to visit.

 “I believe she does come to visit, and when she visits she’d like to see us doing well…”

She went on to tell me that I was a survivor. My twenties had been bookended by two significant deaths: Heather at age 20 and Kesner at age 30.

I thought to myself: ‘hmmm, she’s right.  I sure hope it gets better from here…‘

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

I was home for one week before it was time to go to the Links Convention in Detroit. In the days leading up to the convention I sat in the park and allowed myself to live into my memories. I was so thankful that Courtney had re-introduced me to Horseshoe Lake. In the afternoons I went there, spread out a blanket in the grass, and cried. it was beautiful there and the wind and air soothed my open wounds.

Sitting alone on a blanket in the grass, I thought about our magical dates: 10 hours in Lambertville…    Dancing in Agabidi Park in the middle of the night… I was thankful that everything that Kesner had done was so memorable; he’d held me so tightly when we hugged for two hours in the park that I could still feel his embrace. I experienced joy and pain in the same moments, I smiled and laughed through my sobbing. Remembering. thanking him:

“Thank you Very Sweet, My Love. Thank you for our special romance, it was so sweet. so beautiful. Thank you Baby…”

But I had to pull it together. It was time to go to Detroit. The National Links Assembly was being held in Detroit, Michigan and my mom was running for National President of the organization. Mom, The Comforter, had been so present with me in my grief, dropping everything to come to New Jersey to be with me immediately. She had done so much, I could do this for her. I could package my grief, contain it, hold it in, and go the convention and support her. It was time.

We decided to drive.

…we had too much luggage to check on an airplane. Plus, Detroit is only three hours from Cleveland so it made sense. The drive was pleasant. We took The Comforter’s comfortable Lexus, and she drove while I rode. We listened to Satellite radio, talked on the phone some, and talked to each other. We relished the last few quiet moments that we had together before the week began. When we were 20 minutes away from the convention hotel, mom called the chair of the national protocol team to let her know she was in range, and from that point it was on.

The Detroit Renaissance Center

We pulled up at the Detroit Renessaince Center and mom was greeted by the beautiful sisters of the protocol committee. They immediately began to orchestrate the unpacking of the car and quickly ushered mom to her suite. The two bedroom suite on the 70th floor of the Detroit Renessaince center was the next comfortable place where I would stay. It was large and spacious, with floor to ceiling windows and panoramic views of the Detroit River and Windsor Canada.

There were fresh flowers, and a fruit and cheese platter. During the convention, this suite would become “home base.”

The committee worked dutifully to get mom’s things unpacked and closets organized for the week, there was so much excitement in the room. I might have felt overwhelmed except in the midst of the commotion was a familiar and friendly face: Monique.

Monique is my Link-Friend from the Gulf Coast Appollo Chapter in Houston Texas. She is a psychiatrist, a daughter, a wife, a mom and a really great person. I met Monique through my involvement in the Scott Hawkins Leadership Institute. Named for our Links Founders, Sarah Strickland Scott and Margaret Hawkins, The Scott Hawkins Institute is a program designed to prepare young Links for organizational leadership.

Links Founders, Sarah Strickland Scott and Margaret Hawkins

But Monique and I really got to know each other because of her work with my mom on the protocol team. Monique had been assigned to my mom at the Western Area Conference the year prior. Mom liked her a lot. She was savvy, smart and competent. They had synergy. Mom came home talking about this great young Link that she met, her new second daughter. I soon got to know Monique differently when we were in Atlanta for a governance meeting and she became my friend.

Monique is real and she is thoughtful. She has a wonderful sense of humor and she is the type of person that you can just sit and be still with; you don’t have to talk all of the time. She is also a great dresser, and always well adorned with beautiful shoes and accessories to match. She is a sharp young Link with a great smile, a great laugh, and a great Houston accent, and I’m excited whenever I get to see her.

Monique

Seeing Monique calmed any anxiety that I had. A friend was already there in the midst. LOVE had traveled with us to Detroit and I was going to be just fine. I began to adapt to the energy and excitement in the room; in just a few days we would be surrounded by some of the most dynamic Black women in the country. This was exciting. I began to feel the spirit.

I went into my bedroom and began to unpack my clothes. I pulled out beautiful dresses, one after the next. I hadn’t been involved in the packing of my clothes, but mom had done a great job. She’d selected my most beautiful things. I took a step back and looked at my beautiful things hanging in my closet and a feeling came over me: this is going to be a great week...

 We were at a Links Convention, after all.   Links Conventions are fabulous.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011

Now I want to tell you about the ten-hour date that changed everything…

It was a week after the Kappa Jazz brunch and I had already started thinking about Kesner differently because I’d had that deep encounter with his mother at the table. And afterward we’d driven around the community listening to Miles Davis and talking about change.  

I think he knew that I had different energy for him, so he seized the opportunity.   The following week he took me on another date, to Lambertville NJ for a Lenten fish fry.

NJ is filled with cute little towns and Lambertiville is one of them. It sits right on the Delaware River and it’s quaint and lovely. It’s the sort of town that has volunteer fire fighters, and bed and breakfasts, and community fish fries every friday during Lent.

It was Good Friday, and both of us felt a little guilty that it was unseasonably warm and sunny. Maybe rain and dark clouds would have seemed more appropriate for the day that Jesus died; but nonetheless, he picked me up at 4PM.

He’d planned everything; I didn’t have to think. He told me we were going to a volunteer firehouse for a fish fry, so I was casual. I wore a cream blouse, dark blue skinny jeans and black ballerina slippers. I carried a beige cardigan. He wore khaki pants, a button down shirt and a casual spring jacket, dark brown.

I didn’t know what to expect. When we arrived at the firehouse my first thought was: ‘awkward’. It was an open space with rows of six foot long rectangular wood tables. We walked in and paid $10.00 at the door and were prompted to seat ourselves. I would have preferred privacy, but the set up was family style dining.  We would have to eat with other people, to interact.  

Kesner made me feel comfortable right away.  He initiated conversation with the folks at our table; he was good at that sort of thing. We soon learned that we were dining with a family steeped in the New Jersey fishing industry. They told us that their family business holds the world record in catching the particular kind of fish that they catch. And they also told us all about the deep tradition of Lenten Friday fish fries in Lambertville.

Kesner had introduced me to a new experience, I liked that. I was thankful. My appreciation for him continued to grow…

It was still sunny and warm after dinner so we decided to walk to an ice cream shop. On the way, we noticed a church with open doors. We figured we should go in for a moment ; it was Good Friday, after all. 

The sanctuary was open.

We walked in and sat in the front pew. An instrumental of “Just as I am Without one Plea” was playing. We sat together in silence and appreciated the song that we both knew so well.

In that moment I felt so much peace.

When the song was over we left and got ice cream cones, then found a large rock by the water and sat and talked. It was there that we first learned of our mutual appreciation for nature and beauty.

And on that rock, we talked about collaboration. We discussed planning a reception at a community art museum, we wanted to bring my sorority and his fraternity together for this. We discussed some particulars, and then he went on to dream about future collaborations. His ideas were laced with the inference that we would be together, a team.

A partnership.

The more we sat and talked, the notion of our togetherness began to settle into my spirit.

Comfortably.

After our cones, we decided to walk across the bridge to New Hope Pennsylvania. New Hope is another cute town that sits on the other side of the Delaware River; Just a simple five minute walk across the bridge from Lambertiville. That is the place where Talithea and I found the psychic months prior, the one who told me I would have two great loves.

There in New Hope, we went to a very eclectic looking restaurant and had a glass of wine on their out-door patio.

Day became evening, as we sat and talked there. He told me more about himself and I shared more of me. At one point he noticed a silver ring on my finger with a large amber stone in it. “So your engagement ring would have to be at least this size..,” he kidded. I blushed. Laughed awkwardly. Had he just brought up engagement?

A few more hours passed and it started to get cold. We left the patio and went to Dunkin Donuts for a cup of coffee. We then left New Hope and  began to walk back over the bridge. In the center of the bridge Kesner stopped me for a moment, to look out over the Delaware River. From where we stood, the river appeared dark and encompassing and you could hear and feel its movement. I think Kesner wanted to kiss me in that moment on the bridge; in fact I am certain of it now. It would have been our first kiss and that would have been a beautiful spot for it.

But I was too cold.

My cardigan and coffee weren’t enough to guard against the force of the cold river wind.

“I’m freezing, let’s keep walking,” I said.

It was warmer when we got to the other side. We sat on a bench and talked more. Neither of us wanted our time together to end, so we sat until we noticed that we were sitting above a wine cellar.

“Let’s have some more wine,”…

In the dimly lit wine cellar, we grew closer. We looked into each other’s eyes and allowed our fingers to dance with one another. I recited my favorite poem to him, Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. And he gave me the first of many nicknames:

“I’m going to call you phenomenal woman, because you are phenomenal.”

And there, in the cellar, we shared our first kiss. I had just come back from using the ladies room. And before I could take my seat on the stool, he pulled me between his legs and held me tightly around my waiste and he kissed me.  passionately. 

perfectly.

“It’s so nice to put my arms around a woman who has some meat on her bones,” he said.

I felt desired. Wanted..

I stood there in his embrace for a few minutes longer until we received news that the cellar was closing.

Closing already? -we thought.

And then we checked the time, it was 2:00AM.

Where had the time gone?

Had we really just been on a date for ten hours and not even realized it? It was too short..

We walked back to the car, hand-in-hand, and he took me home. We would see each other the next day…

and the day after that..

and the day after that..

and almost every day until the day he died.

But of course I didn’t know he was dying then.

What I knew is that I was falling.

I was falling in love with my friend, Kesner Dufresne.

© Copyright Thank You Very Sweet, 2011